Tuesday, 7 July 2015

A post for my ex husband

So. You've found it. I'm not sure how - through a friend, perhaps, or through Twitter - but I know you're there. And that you've been through all the old posts; the ones where I used the blog as a diary, a place to dump all my bitter, angry thoughts after we'd separated.

You have as much right as the next person to be here. After all, the blog's out in the public domain. I knew you would find it, one day - although hoped that you wouldn't.

We have been through a lot, you and I. That blind hate that I felt for you, two or three years ago, when you were doing everything in your power to trip me up - some of that got poured into the blog. I'm sorry you read it now, at a point where perhaps we are beginning to rebuild our relationship. I hope that you can see that it was a different time. We were both miles away from where we are today.

Ironically, it took something terrible to bring us together. Tween's accident, and recovery, has forced us to talk again. I will never, ever forget that quiet time that we had, the first night that he was in hospital. The two of us sat by his bedside, quietly talking in the early hours, about all sorts of things. Personal things. We hadn't done that for years. I felt closer to you then than I had for much of our married life.

I'm crying now.

When I can't rouse Tween, and you come to my house to look after him so I can go to work - I like that. A lot. I mean, I hate it that Tween is ill, and I worry, like you do. But I like it that we have come together, as mum and dad, to help him. He needs that. When he said to me, "I'm really glad that you and dad are getting on better now", I cried.

I'm doing a lot of crying, recently.

So I wish you well. I can't tell you that, face to face, at the moment - but I hope to be able to, one day. I hope that in the future, we will be able to sit down, and laugh together, and have family celebrations with everybody we love around us.

Not just for the kids.

But for us.

And then the fun began...

12 comments:

  1. Ah this post must have been hard to write. So sorry you have been upset and your tween has been unwell. I am glad you have managed to talk and perhaps start to build a relationship as friends. Good luck xxx #thetruthabout

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    1. Thank you Sarah - really appreciate your comments. xxx #thetruthabout

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  2. Your so brave to write this. I'm sorry your so upset and your Tween is poorly, I hope it works out how you want it to #thetruthabout xx

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    1. Thanks so much, Crunchy! We're hoping that Tween will be well again, given time. xxx

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  3. I wanted to reply to this earlier today but I can't think of something to say that isn't too personal for a public forum! I just really, really hope that your ex is big enough to understand and humour you for all the reasons you mention here. You are finally seeing eye to eye and the tween needs that from both of you right now. You're a really cool person, a great writer and you've evolved as a single mum. Best wishes for navigating these murky waters. Xx #thetruthabout

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    1. Ah, Sam - thank you! What lovely things to say. We'll see what the future holds... and thanks for running #thetruthabout xxx

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  4. HI Lottie,

    Thank you for writing this post. It must have been really difficult. My worst nightmare would be for my ex or his family, or worst of all our son when he is older to find my blog. For this reason there is only one person in the world who knows that I am blogging.

    I am at the beginning of your journey. I split up with my ex in mid-February and our relationship is more than a bit tough at the moment. I blog because it provides me with an outlet to get things off my chest, to cope with the enormity of the changes that we are facing and to deal with the challenges ahead. By getting things off my chest, venting if you like, I am able to cope better with the communications with my ex and I am able to put on a fresh face, everyday, for our son. I personally feel that, at the moment, I need some kind of outlet to enable me to do this, but I need to hide that outlet from our son. My anonymous blog provides this outlet.

    Our sons (although mine is still only a baby) need to be able to love their Dads and need to be loved by them. There is a danger in a separation that the children get stuck in the middle, they feel they have to take sides. They may feel they have to support their mother in her hatred and resentment of the father and don't feel free to love their father. They self-censor their feelings if you like. This isn't fair on the child. By blogging, and indeed by blogging anonymously you have shielded your sons from your feelings about your ex. You are allowing them to make up their own minds and to love and to be loved by their father. You have found a forum to rant and rave which doesn't impact on your boys. I have obviously thought a lot about this in the last few months. I personally think you have done the right thing and I sincerely hope that your ex understands this.

    Good luck. xx

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    1. Thanks so much. I agree with everything that you've said. I think that I initially started the blog as a dumping ground, because I was so upset with everything that was going on. It was my private diary, if you like - except of course it wasn't private, because it was on the web, for all to see. Those early posts were the most ranty, because they were just raw emotion that needed to be let out; things that I couldn't possibly tell anyone in real life because I didn't want to 'damage' the rocky situation any further. And yes, of course, I didn't want to let my children in on how I was feeling, because I risked involving them in the hideous shenanigans, which I wanted to avoid at all costs.

      Good luck with your blog - you're a great writer. I hope it's helping you to get over what I know is a very difficult time. xxx

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  5. Good luck to you both Lottie xxx

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  7. Wow Lottie. You have come a long way. I hope he sees it.

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  8. I love this post, Lottie. I'm sorry your son got sick, though. Sometimes it takes a situation like that to bring us closer. My ex and I don't speak. It's been 10 years. I have zero hope that we ever will, barring some tragedy with the children. Sad.

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