Thursday, 4 December 2014

My vagina's all over the place

I'm sure that, once upon a time, my vagina was 'peachy'. Probably before I had kids - you know, that time when all my insides suddenly came out.

I remember it vividly. I'd just had my first baby and, like a lot of women, the labour hadn't quite 'gone to plan'. What I mean by that is, after the first twelve hours of labour, I got my birth plan and rammed it down my husband's throat. After 24 hours, I had consumed all the drugs the hospital could offer and was in an epidurally induced haze of Hello Magazine and jelly tots. I had lost all feeling pretty much everywhere. I couldn't even remember my own name.

So when it was time to push, I hadn't got a bleedin' clue what I was doing. I was making the right noises - I think. Sort of mooing. And I was holding my breath so my face went red. And I tried and tried and tried to shift the sodding alien that appeared to be stuck in me, by imagining - as we all probably did - that we were having the most enormous, melon-shaped poo.

It appeared that I may have pushed a little too hard. Because when Tween had slithered his way out, quite a lot of my vagina kept him company. I was too high to care, too impressed by my own powers of drug-induced pushing to notice that part of me had exploded. Nurses came and looked and tutted, and there were mutterings, and suddenly a needle, and then AN AWFUL LOT OF PAIN (which, quite frankly, I'd had enough of for one day).

And then, thankfully, sleep.

The next day, A MAN came to look at the battleground of my netherparts, and told me in a matter-of-fact tone of voice that my stitches had all come out.

"What have you been doing?" he asked, sternly.

I looked at him, bemused. What The. Actual. Fuck. did he think I'd been doing? Getting it on with my husband after giving birth to a 10lb baby with an inside out vagina? Or masturbating, perhaps, because I couldn't stand a single night without some form of sexual gratification? Or just wiping my wee off REALLY HARD?

"Never mind. It will heal naturally." And then, an afterthought: "Given time."

At that point in my life, I really didn't care. My baby was in special care (had he been smothered by my moving vagina? Perhaps we'll never know). I was glad that he was alive. To be honest, I wasn't really thinking too much about my lady parts.

Time passed, and I was aware that - although healing ok - my vagina didn't have the same...form... as before. My labia or 'beef curtains' (as one boyfriend fondly called them) drooped so far between my legs that they could have really done with their own bra to hold them in. Tucking them up worked for a while but, inevitably, after a few hundred yards of walking, they would fall out and start swinging like a cats cradle.

One day I made the mistake of putting a mirror between my legs and having a good root about. It was shocking. My nethers were unrecognisable, and seemed to have morphed into chopped liver (with added gristle).

This is roughly what a normal vagina looks like:

And mine:

I have never examined my vagina again.

When I was married, it was ok to have a shattered front bottom. My husband understood what had happened - he'd been there, for God's sakes - and so he could never, ever, EVER express any form of disgust. Which he no doubt felt, but was forced to cover it up unless he was happy never to have sex ever again.

But now I'm single, what do I do? When I'm about to go to bed with a bloke, do I say, "Umm...bit embarrassing this...but do you like chopped liver?" Do I turn out the lights and hope he doesn't notice? Or do I celebrate it and dangle my curtains in his face?

I don't know. So for now, at least, I'll keep on tucking in the hanging bits and hoping for the best.

Postscript: By the way, if you are properly concerned about the way your labia look, Women's Health Victoria have this wonderful website which will no doubt set your mind at rest.

Liked this post? You might also like: My vagina is noisy - the underground world of fanny farts

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  1. I had a pretty bad tear when I was giving birth and the midwife said, fairly matter-of-factly, "You might find I've stitched you up too tight but if you have any problems, just see a gynaecologist". Oh well, that puts my mind at ease then. I've never looked. I don't want to know.



    1. Best not to Betty. I wish I hadn't. The resulting picture will be etched on my memory for life :-) xx

  2. Oh hun I'm sorry to laugh at your misery but this did tickle me. Why on earth would you look woman why why??!! Saying that I did it too, after baby #3 and needless to say I will NOT be making that mistake again. Eugh. On the dating front, men are pretty stupid let's face it. Also, as a Midwife myself I have seen many ladies' bits and they really do come in aaalll shapes and sizes, you won't be as mutant as you think you are I promise! x

  3. If there was ever a moment where I became more grateful for my three sections, even the emergency one, this is it :) I shouldn't laugh, but the way you've written this is just brilliant! Off to get to know your blog better :) #brilliantblogposts
    Sara (@mumturnedmom)

  4. Sorry Lottie but that did make me chuckle! I think you'd know by now if men were finding it a turn off and frankly in my experience, there's not much that men do find a turn off, the sex craved loons! 😀

  5. Men are simple creatures if they've got to the point of seeing your bits they're really not going to look that close in all their excitement!

  6. This made me laugh. My son was delivered by emergency C section so I have a different kind of issue - buggered tummy muscles (yes, it turned out I do have some!) Your pictures are fab. xxx #brilliantblogposts

  7. You are a genius! Fabulous post lovely lady. Hilarious! Xx

  8. Excellent post...
    My pelvic floor was kind of holding out until I saw the picture of your mangled vagina - then it was game over and time for a change of Tena. Fabulously funny!! X

  9. Brilliant, what has taken me so long to return to your blog for a great read! :)

  10. Brilliant post (men can be silly)-I had an emergency and elective section so where the vagina appears intact, the tummy isn't! Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts

  11. Oh this is absolutely hilarious....if a little tragic ;) You're braver than me, I've never gone anywhere near mine with a mirror. I hazard a guess that after 3 children, they may resemble picture 2 eek!

  12. Maybe it's time to get yourself off for a designer vagina eh? I had an emergency forceps delivery first time round, after a gruelling five day labour. Sorry to be crude but I was cut from hole to hole. My husband made the mistake of looking over just before stitching commenced and likens it to a scene from a slasher movie. I was never brave enough to look...

  13. Try seeing a womens health physiotherapist. She can fit you for a pessary to lift everything back up.

    1. Only just been reading this blog and comments, what do you mean by lifting everything with a pessary?


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