I saw you in the news today. Apparently, you're an American multi billionaire hedge fund manager, who's getting divorced.
Now, granted, I don't really know what a Hedge Fund Manager does. Even Wikipedia (usually my failsafe) didn't help, leading me down a path of Endowments and Foundations - but I'm sure that, if you explained it to me, I would find it very interesting indeed.
The thing is, Ken - I love you. I've loved you from the first moment I set eyes on you (about seven minutes ago). And I think, given a chance, you might also love me. This is why.
- I am English. All Americans love the English. Monty Python, The Queen, old buildings, Shakespeare, Benedict Cumberbatch...I'm friends with them all. You might not know this, but the English all live in one big house. We all know each other and are very friendly.
I am particularly good friends with Michael Palin and Prince George. And, if you married me, you could be too.
- I have all my own teeth and they are pretty straight and not too yellow. The Americans, I gather, think that we Brits all have wonky, yellow teeth but it's not true. I don't. Granted - some are missing, but those that I have are not bad at all.
- I am cultured. Yes, the British are ALL cultured as we have grown up amongst the rubble of Georgian buildings and are forced to play either the piano or the buglehorn until the age of 7 - but I have achieved even more than this. I have a music degree and - get this - have sung on telly. Even if it was just on the local news. And I was out of tune.
- I have a sense of humour. I am British, after all, and we need to have one with the tiny house that we all live in, and our wonky teeth. It can get a bit wearing, sometimes.
- I have two sons already so would not be looking to start a new family all over again. You would love my children. They eat hot dogs and say 'butt' a lot so are practically American citizens already.
- Looks-wise, I'm afraid I can't match up to your ex-wife (BITCH!). Sorry, that just slipped out. I've had no work done. I don't wear much make up. I don't go to the gym. I have veins. BUT for you, I am prepared to have my hair cut on occasion and to invest in some moisturiser. And possibly some vaseline. Only for you, my darling.
Ken, honey, some people might tell you that I'm just after your money. HOW COULD THEY? It isn't true. I have my own house which is two hundred years old. In England, every house which is over a hundred years old is automatically worth a million pounds. That's the law. As well as this, I have what we call Tax Credits. That's when you're earning so much, and paying so much tax, that the Government feel obliged to start giving some of the money back. And finally, I have my own car. Only 0.01% of people in England own a car because it's such a tiny island; quite frankly, why would you need one? Generally people travel around by horse and cart, or penny farthing.
Please do get in touch. I'm at firstname.lastname@example.org and my favourite stone is emerald.
Don't break my heart. xxx