I am not blessed, physically, with wondrous things. God did not intervene at my conception and say, "THAT BABY THERE, THAT ONE, YES YOU, YOU WILL HAVE LONG LEGS, EYES LIKE POOLS AND A TINY NOSE LIKE THAT WITCH PERSON (who I admit probably wasn't very godly but I liked what she did with her nose when she cast a spell) YES JUST LIKE HER".
In fact, He didn't do bugger all. So I was born and my face was roughly in the right order. As I grew, it was clear that my arse was too big and my legs were too short and my boobs were too small.
But at least I looked marginally human.
Anyway. Luckily, they don't kill fairly plain people so I've managed to survive this long on the strength of my shoulders - which are broad - and my ability to touch my nose with my tongue (always good to bring out at parties). But one thing that is also running in my favour - currently - is that I'm not going grey. YET.
I'm 43, and actually, what I said just then isn't true. For about a year after I'd decided to leave my husband, the grey hairs started coming. I was pulling them out apace, wondering if I'd soon have bald patches at my temples, but in the end I gave up. That's it, I thought - it's happening. I should just accept it with good grace. I am, after all, getting on.
But bizarrely, after about a year, I stopped going grey. No new silver hairs - just the normal mousey brown colour that I've always had and always ignored. And this seemed to coincide with getting settled, finalising the divorce, and moving on.
I seem to have been given a second chance.
Which is lovely, of course (and I'm now going to grow my hair as long as possible in celebration, possibly interweaving loom bands, bits of ribbon and post-it notes as decoration) but it did get me wondering; do we really go grey when we're stressed? And if so, why?
I have researched long and hard into this (15 minutes). And my conclusion is this.
There's been some fairly recent research done on mice who, as far as I know, don't generally get divorced - but may get stressed in other ways, such as falling off wheels, or getting scared by giants in white coats - and conclusions are mixed. Details on the experiment here: the researchers seem to conclude that there IS a link between stress and skin pigmentation/greying hair. The NHS says that the evidence is still uncertain. But I'm sure there must be a link; one look at Tony Blair after five years in office and it's obvious to everyone.
So. My face might be lined and speckled with brown spots. My legs covered in thread veins. My eyes rheumy and red. But my hair remains resolutely brown and I'm enjoying it while I can.
From the back, if I'm wearing trousers, I look 26. From the front, I look 60.
Average age: 43. I'll settle for that.