I'm really struggling with something here, and I'm hoping you can help me out.
I'm a Mum. A mummy. Mom. And I blog. So that makes me - a Mummy Blogger. I'm linked up to Mumsnet, Britmums, Netmums and Tots100. They have been lovely to me, and welcomed me with open arms.
And yet today, I want to blog about porn.
Now this is an inappropriate subject for a Mummy Blogger, who really should be writing about more age-appropriate stuff like lego, meatballs and school uniforms. Even tough subjects like Depression - and other illnesses - are fine to discuss under The Mummy Blogger Umbrella because we either suffer from them ourselves or know someone who does.
We mums might discuss sex amongst ourselves on occasion. "We don't do it as much any more" or "we don't do it at all any more," or if we're lucky, "he went and bought a thing like a glass cucumber the other day". (That last one was me, by the way.) Thing is, I wasn't interested in sex for the last few years of my marriage. I ended up sleeping in the spare room in a bid to avoid him. I can see that, reading that back, it seems harsh - but I didn't love him, didn't fancy him, and didn't really have any respect for him.
Now that sounds even worse.
Moving on. So my married girlfriends and I sometimes discussed sex, or lack of it, but we would never talk about the raw edges of sex; things like porn, or even (whisper it) masturbation.
Discussing masturbation is a step too far even for me today. Let's save that one for later, when I've had a Baileys or two.
But porn is a different matter. When I started this blog, the first person I followed on Twitter was the marvellous Betty Herbert, who was blogging about The 52 Seductions. She was also a mum, but wasn't afraid to discuss sex and porn and rock and roll. I was also reading the latest Caitlin Moran book, in which she very matter-of-factly talks about porn sites and what they can offer (both women and men).
So I've had a good mooch about the porn network. The first thing to say is that I'm absolutely flabbergasted as to how much free porn is available to watch. Yes, most of it is degrading to women, but some of it isn't. There's a particular site called Fake Taxi, where a guy pretending to be a taxi driver drives round Surrey picking up women who agree to have sex with him in the back of his cab. This absolutely astonishes me. Yes, he is breaking the law by assuming the identity of a cab driver. Yes, he lies to the women, telling them that although they are being filmed, he will delete the footage later. Yes, the women will be in the shit when they get home, and their loud, energetic sex will exist on the internetoscope forever and ever and ever. And that is a hard way to learn your lesson.
And yet. These women agree, willingly, to have sex with this guy. Why? Why aren't they scared when he suggests it? If a cab driver started to chat me up, asking me how often I have sex, and telling me to lift my top up so he could see my tits in the mirror, I would scream blue murder, open the door and get out - even if we were travelling at 70 down the motorway.
Why do they agree to it? They're not drunk, so it's not like going to a club, getting lathered, going to bed with someone and waking up not knowing where you are with spittle down one side of your face. They are sort of wannabe porn starts. Is that where popular culture has taken us?
And, I have to admit, I don't despise this guy. He doesn't force anyone to do anything they don't want. He's always polite with the girls, and charming. And he's making his way in this world, thanks to a group of attractive, willing and able girls who, once they realised they've been duped, will never forgive themselves.
What I'm saying, I think, is that the women are their own worst enemies.
I have to be honest here; I know that the porn industry is generally a bad thing for women. I know that many porn stars - men and women alike - have STDs, and suffer anal tears and internal bruising and all sorts of horrific things. And that's just the 'softer' porn side. Yet I do find a lot of it arousing and, if I do, then I can absolutely see why men love it. And why the industry is growing so quickly.
The worry for me is that my boys, tween and teen, will find ways around the Government's new porn filters and view these porn channels, these short sex films, as if that's how sex is in real life. They will immediately become experts on cold, hard sex and think this is how it is meant to be. Will they be clever and sensitive enough to realise that making love to their partner (actually, feeling a bit queasy just thinking about this, but need to be strong, objective journalist here) is a completely different kettle of fish? That there will be laughter and mistakes, fanny farts and squelchy noises and the occasional dislocated hip? I don't know.
I suspect that I will need to have that conversation with them at some point. They will be embarrassed, look at their feet, and think that I know nothing about it because I am OLD and a MOTHER.
But all of us mums know a bit about what love making should be about, don't we? I mean, we all had sex at one time, after all...