Thursday, 9 January 2014

Let's Talk About Sex

I'm really struggling with something here, and I'm hoping you can help me out.

I'm a Mum. A mummy. Mom.  And I blog.  So that makes me - a Mummy Blogger.  I'm linked up to Mumsnet, Britmums, Netmums and Tots100.  They have been lovely to me, and welcomed me with open arms.

And yet today, I want to blog about porn.

Now this is an inappropriate subject for a Mummy Blogger, who really should be writing about more age-appropriate stuff like lego, meatballs and school uniforms.  Even tough subjects like Depression - and other illnesses - are fine to discuss under The Mummy Blogger Umbrella because we either suffer from them ourselves or know someone who does.

We mums might discuss sex amongst ourselves on occasion.  "We don't do it as much any more" or "we don't do it at all any more," or if we're lucky, "he went and bought a thing like a glass cucumber the other day". (That last one was me, by the way.)  Thing is, I wasn't interested in sex for the last few years of my marriage.  I ended up sleeping in the spare room in a bid to avoid him.  I can see that, reading that back, it seems harsh - but I didn't love him, didn't fancy him, and didn't really have any respect for him.

Now that sounds even worse.

Moving on.  So my married girlfriends and I sometimes discussed sex, or lack of it, but we would never talk about the raw edges of sex; things like porn, or even (whisper it) masturbation.

Discussing masturbation is a step too far even for me today. Let's save that one for later, when I've had a Baileys or two.

But porn is a different matter.  When I started this blog, the first person I followed on Twitter was the marvellous Betty Herbert, who was blogging about The 52 Seductions.  She was also a mum, but wasn't afraid to discuss sex and porn and rock and roll.  I was also reading the latest Caitlin Moran book, in which she very matter-of-factly talks about porn sites and what they can offer (both women and men).

So I've had a good mooch about the porn network.  The first thing to say is that I'm absolutely flabbergasted as to how much free porn is available to watch.  Yes, most of it is degrading to women, but some of it isn't.  There's a particular site called Fake Taxi, where a guy pretending to be a taxi driver drives round Surrey picking up women who agree to have sex with him in the back of his cab.  This absolutely astonishes me.  Yes, he is breaking the law by assuming the identity of a cab driver.  Yes, he lies to the women, telling them that although they are being filmed, he will delete the footage later.  Yes, the women will be in the shit when they get home, and their loud, energetic sex will exist on the internetoscope forever and ever and ever.  And that is a hard way to learn your lesson.

And yet.  These women agree, willingly, to have sex with this guy.  Why?  Why aren't they scared when he suggests it?  If a cab driver started to chat me up, asking me how often I have sex, and telling me to lift my top up so he could see my tits in the mirror, I would scream blue murder, open the door and get out - even if we were travelling at 70 down the motorway.

Why do they agree to it?  They're not drunk, so it's not like going to a club, getting lathered, going to bed with someone and waking up not knowing where you are with spittle down one side of your face.  They are sort of wannabe porn starts.  Is that where popular culture has taken us?

And, I have to admit, I don't despise this guy.  He doesn't force anyone to do anything they don't want.  He's always polite with the girls, and charming.  And he's making his way in this world, thanks to a group of attractive, willing and able girls who, once they realised they've been duped, will never forgive themselves.

What I'm saying, I think, is that the women are their own worst enemies.

I have to be honest here; I know that the porn industry is generally a bad thing for women.  I know that many porn stars - men and women alike - have STDs, and suffer anal tears and internal bruising and all sorts of horrific things.  And that's just the 'softer' porn side.  Yet I do find a lot of it arousing and, if I do, then I can absolutely see why men love it.  And why the industry is growing so quickly.

The worry for me is that my boys, tween and teen, will find ways around the Government's new porn filters and view these porn channels, these short sex films, as if that's how sex is in real life.  They will immediately become experts on cold, hard sex and think this is how it is meant to be.  Will they be clever and sensitive enough to realise that making love to their partner (actually, feeling a bit queasy just thinking about this, but need to be strong, objective journalist here) is a completely different kettle of fish?  That there will be laughter and mistakes, fanny farts and squelchy noises and the occasional dislocated hip?  I don't know.

I suspect that I will need to have that conversation with them at some point.  They will be embarrassed, look at their feet, and think that I know nothing about it because I am OLD and a MOTHER.

But all of us mums know a bit about what love making should be about, don't we?  I mean, we all had sex at one time, after all...


  1. What an interesting post. I wonder too if my son will grow up thinking this is the norm for men to treat women in this way, and even vice versa. I guess at the end of the day it will be down to us, to let them know how life really is x

    1. I think you're right, Sammy. We really do have to lead the way on this one. In some way's it's perhaps helpful for them to have a woman's take on it all (or perhaps just hideously embarrassing for them - not sure which!).

  2. I really love that you wrote a post about sex and porn and watching it AS A WOMAN. We need a few people to break the ice on the topic so that we can get it out in the open. We're interested in sex. Someday our kids will be interested in sex. If we have a healthy relationship with it that will help us be able to talk to them about it.

    1. Thanks so much for your comment - I agree, we have to keep the channels open with our kids and part of that is understanding what they will come into contact with at school, with their friends, or just through their own curiosity. I was watching Les Miserables with the boys this evening - had to try and have a conversation about what a prostitute was and why society thinks it's a bad thing to pay for sex. I was soon asking myself questions and realising I didn't fully understand society's view of sex at all! Hey ho.

  3. Interesting post. As a mum to all girls I worry about the type of men that they will ultimately end up with. Sex is part of life, I mean that's how our kids got here and ultimately there is only so much you can teach your kids about it, like most things in life it is something that they will have to learn for themselves and who is to say what they will and won't like. x

  4. Hello! I found your blog via Single Mother Ahoy's weekend blog hop and am now following your blog on Bloglovin. I'd love it if you stopped by my blog and linked up to my weekend blog hop too, Where Rainbows End - Have a lovely weekend & looking forward to reading your future posts!

    Fiona @

  5. Just want to say what a brilliant thing to blog about. Why shouldnt mummys be broaching these subjects, why should it just be meatballs and school uniform. Brilliant Post, Thank you :)

  6. What a really interesting post! Good on you! x

  7. Agreed - meatballs and school uniform have been well and truly covered! And you've just completely freaked me out about the idea of discussing sex and internet porn with my preschooler and toddler! Not that I'm not prepared to do it but just that some unexpected thoughts and be extremely jarring... The Surrey taxi thing - are you sure it isn't all set up and scripted to look like its really happening?

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  9. In our lifestyle, sex is something we think about often, but hardly ever actually discuss. According to a latest Oh Condition School research, men think about sex best 10 porn 18 periods each day, while females think about sex 10 periods a day.

  10. Fake taxi is staged . The women in it are payed performers. Although I do think porn is made to be more apealling to me.

  11. Men should I say...


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