Wednesday, 16 October 2013

How life was before

Since the last post, I received a Tweet from a lady asking whether it was cruel and insensitive of me to crow about the sex I'm having, when my ex is still in love with me.

I didn't respond to her.  Partly because her comment suddenly made me feel ashamed of what I was doing.  Partly because I now questioned whether I was right in thinking my ex is still in love with me (perhaps he just hates me, full stop?).  Partly because I thought 'fuck off!'- but didn't know how to phrase it politely in 140 characters.

But thinking about it, she's right.  I don't want people to think I'm a right noob, slagging off my ex and showing off about what a jolly time I'm having.  I hope that I give a balanced view of what life is like, post divorce, but perhaps I don't.  Maybe I need to tone down the sunny bits and up the drudge; the trips to the dentists with the kids, the endless skull-gripping headaches, the money worries...

The truth is though, that I AM generally happier now I'm separated.  But for you to see that, I need to talk a little bit about how life was before.

So here's an attempt to explain.

When I married my husband 14 years ago, I was full of the joys.  This was going to work.  I was under no illusions; my husband was intelligent, tall, had good prospects, sane.  He worked with numbers.  He would produce good children.  He reminded me (not in a freaky way) of my Dad.  It was what I wanted.

We had two children lickety split and everything was still fine.  I gave up work and we moved away from London.  I found it hard.  I was not a great stay-at-home mum.  I loved my children but something by this stage that I couldn't pinpoint was making me unhappy.  Back then, I thought it was because I was a crap mother - but actually it was because I was unhappy in my marriage.  (I may also have been a crap mother - something to explore another time.)

My marriage was becoming a 1950s stereotype.  My husband would expect his food on the table when he got home from work.  I was doing all the household chores and managing the children.  This, you might think, is fair when I wasn't working.  But when I did start work again and I still had to do everything, despite endless discussions and complaints, I became more and more unhappy.  Sort of...flat.

The other big deal was that my husband would hide behind me if there was anything slightly brave to be done.  I don't mean jump out of a plane; I just mean talking to someone new, or having a go at being understood in a different country, or even just talking to and paying the flipping babysitter.  As we are both introverts, this was a big deal to me.

I would ask him or tell him things, important things, which he would promptly forget.  In the end I stopped talking to him.  We never argued; our relationship was one of silence.

At other times he was controlling and cold.  I lost respect for him over the years, and fell out of love.  We had little, and then no, sex.  I became depressed and so, I believe, did he.

So when it eventually became too much and I called time, I was looking forward to a new life of adventure and new beginnings and - yes - sex with someone who had some fire in their belly.

I sometimes look back and wonder why on earth we got married.  But then I catch sight of our kids and I remember.

1 comment:

  1. Seems kind of rude of this woman to suggest you are showing off! You have reached a better place in your life and I have loved to read about all the great things it has allowed you to do! I was actually quite surprised to hear that there are any negatives at all although - of course there are, how could there not be? Your marriage sounds, sadly, like quite a common situation - despite all of the feminist revolution, gender stereotypes still seem to be alive and kicking within marriages these days. Sometimes you don't really notice it until you have children because at that point you suddenly realise that you are trapped into it and however things play out you no longer have the ability to use your free will and either walk away or threaten to walk away if things don't improve. The kids come first. I don't think that men understand how tiredness and depression hit a woman after having children either. We are expected to be superwomen sometimes it seems. Its exhausting and we find we have less love left over. I think if your ex does still love you then he's only got himself to blame for losing you because he had a responsibility to ensure that you were happy and you clearly weren't and he let it slide. That's his problem and nothing to do with the life you are living now.