Phew. That was a bit like falling into a vortex in The Adventure Game with a sandwich (do you remember that?) and coming out the other side with your hair and knickers all akimbo. Are you still with me?
I guess I've lost a lot of readers, but part of the fun of blogging is building up your reading base. I think. At least, that's what I'm telling myself to make sure I don't become too glum.
Anyhoo, it all started when Hot Examiner asked me to edit a children's story he'd written. I said yes, of course, because he's hot. But oh my. When it came to me, I was stunned by its...shitness.
I am being unfair of course. It was a not very well written story about a pixie. Do I need to go on? And this put me off him slightly.
So I spent quite a long time editing the thing and did 'Send as an email attachment' thang. Little did I know that the email account I was sending it from was the one from my blog, so when it arrived in his Inbox, it had Ava Piaf all over it. I realised my mistake immediately, and sent him another email from my usual account asking him to ignore the last one.
He didn't ignore it. He did what anyone would do - especially me - and googled away. In twenty seconds he had found my Twitter feed and, most crucially, my blog, which talked all about him, how hot he was, how I felt about sex, how I'd had affairs - bla, bla bla.
I suppose it's enough to put anybody off.
To his credit, a few days later, he told me what he'd done. In an email. It simply said, "I have to tell you that I have read your blog." After I'd read it, everything went a bit swimmy for a while and I felt like I had a small mouse, or possibly a vole, in my throat. In an instant I felt like I had lost him, and lost my blog. He and my blog were running off into the sunset together. Without me.
A weird set of emails followed back and forth; he quoted Hamlet and some old folk singer, intimating that I was living a lie. I was apologetic at first, then got really cross and told him to stop quoting literature because I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS ON ABOUT.
I got a very formal response after that. In a nutshell: have a nice life.
So. The good things to come of this incident of the blog in the night time are...
1. I've realised that I really do love the boyf. Lots of men do not have a sense of humour. Boyf does. This is worth a barrel of gold.
2. Although the old blog is dead, which I am sad about, I made a shedload of mistakes in it. Here is a chance to start afresh!
3. I think that's it.
Welcome back, everybody!