Monday, 12 August 2013

Not Quite Made Properly

I've written lots and lots and lots about divorce, single parenting, solicitors, finances, new relationships...  They're all very big issues and I wondered if I could focus on something a bit smaller for a change.

Namely, how my body is put together.

This has been troubling me for a while now.  I have...um...issues.  It's like, my mum's body made the right side of me, but when the left side was forming, she smoked a giant spliff and everything went a bit pair-shaped.  Here's why.

1. My left eye is lazy, and has a squint.  It looks slightly outwards.  I wore a patch when I was three.  It was glued to my eye under my National Health specs, which were tied onto my bunches with string.

This was not a good look.

People are very kind and say they can't see the squint, but I know they can, particularly when I'm tired or drunk.  And some people have been kind beyond belief and have said that it makes me seem particularly 'interesting' and 'beguiling.'  HAHAHAHAHA!  I have nothing else to say.

2. I've got a hole in my heart.  (For those of you who are not biologically blessed, the heart is on the left side of the body - hence my left-a-phobia.)  It's not in the heart wall, but in between the chambers.  It apparently contributes to tiredness and headaches (I get lots of these) and raises my risk of stroke.  Hooflippinray.

3. Veins.  I have lots.  Well, we all have lots, but on the left side of me, they've gone nuts.  I've had two ops to remove varicose (ugh) veins from behind my left knee.  Faulty valves, apparently.  And I've got broken veins galore on my left thigh.  They are hideous.  When I manage to grab a rich guy, I'll get my veins fixed.  In the meantime, I'll wear trousers.

4. I broke my left wrist rollerskating when I was 11.  It hurt.

5. I'm left handed.  I know!  It's as if the God of balance said, "Look, I've fucked up your left side BUT, to make it up to you, I'm going to make you write with your left hand!  I know!!  I'm brilliant!!!"

I wonder what other Left-isms you'd find if you opened me up?  Perhaps my left kidney is filled with chickpeas.  Or my left hip is a figment of my imagination.  Or my left big toe is actually someone else's thumb, grafted onto me when I was a baby because mine was missing.

I'd love to hear about your imbalances, or things about yourself that you find amusing or confusing.  Please post a comment or two!


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