Just come back from a rollercoaster of a trip to Wales with the boyf. Yes, the boyf who left me but somehow came back to me last week.
He has a campervan. It rains a lot in Wales. These are not ideal conditions if your relationship is hanging by a thread.
In the event, everything went swimmingly until the third day. It was raining. The water pump burst. The oven stopped working. The shower leaked. It was still raining. We decided to go for a walk to a restaurant that had been recommended. It was still raining. When we got there we were wet and cold. We had forgotten it was Father's Day. There was no room at the inn.
This was when boyf lost it. "What? But there's a table over there! We're wet and cold and we've walked for miles. And FOR WHAT?" [mumbled apologies from the staff.] Then, leaning over the counter in what could be interpreted as a menacing stance, "What the f**k do you mean, you've got no space?" [mumbled apologies from me to the staff, who by this time are frozen and have their mouths hanging open] . And finally, finally... "F***ING B***ARDS!"
At which point, I walked out, into the driving rain. And kept walking.
And when I turned round, he wasn't there. And I realised that he had the key to the camper. Balls.
So I stooged around the coast a bit, pretending to be fascinated with rock pools. Getting hungrier and hungrier. And eventually I thought - f*ck this for a game of soldiers - and walked into the village with the sole purpose of finding something to eat. Not only did I find a perfectly decent hotel, but it had a lounge with a log fire and two very lovely high backed leather chairs. So I ordered a coffee and gradually steam dried in front of the fire.
We made up eventually, but I was shocked by the heat of his temper, by his rudeness, by his unkindness and inability to forgive. I hate noise, rows, impoliteness, embarrassment.
However, I had none of this in my marriage. And perhaps that's why I'm sticking with it. Because a flatlined marriage with no emotion is almost worse than a relationship punctuated with swearing and high emotion and hours of walking in the rain. It feels like living.
But it's sodding exhausting.