Saturday, 22 June 2013

Am I just no good at relationships?

So.  The general feedback to me at the moment from lovely friends is; forget the boyf, don't get another one yet, give yourself some space.

But something fundamental within me wants to fill that space.  I am actually scared of having space.  It makes me feel a bit....rattly.  But why?

Because, tomorrow for example, I will be on my own.  The thought of this terrifies me - which is ridiculous, because I know I will fill it with a 30 mile bike ride and then be so exhausted that I won't want to do a single other thing.  But in the back of my mind, I feel like I need a man.  A man's love?  A man's practical side?  Sex?  All of these, probably.

Which is utterly, boggingly ridiculous!

Am I hard wired like that, or is it something I've learned?  My mum is like that too - when the love of her life left her she started a crusade of dating, trying to find that feeling of love, comfort, safety - whatever it is - again.  She found it - sort of.  But should I be strong with myself and say "come on, being alone for a while is ok, it will help actually, and I will be a better person for it."  Or should I continue to fill the space with chatting up young boys on Flickr, and refuse to face my fears?

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